Ed
by WyaRose
Summary: Sydney finds a way to take control, only to find herself loosing everything. Set in the beginning of Season 3. TRIGGER WARNING: This story deals with various forms of self destruction.
1. Chapter 1

Everything was so confusing. Two years of her life were missing, the man she loved was married to another woman, her mother was working with her father, her best friend was dead, her other best friend was basically dead, and the man who killed her phonsea was walking around freely. She was so lost, so empty. Everything felt out of control.

Then Sydney was somehow introduced to Ed. She can't remember exactly how it happened, just that she began flirting with Ed immeaditely.

After about a month, Sydney found herself mesmorized by Ed. Ed gave her the only sense of control she had in her life. Ed made her feel powerful again. After a while, Sydney was introduced to Ed's friends - Mia and Ana.

Sydney found herself once again surrounded by love and support. She wasn't very close with Mia, but felt as though Ana was with her every second of the day.

What Sydney didn't realize was Ed was taking over her life. She seemed less focused at work, and pretty soon, stopped socializing all together.

Sydney would look at herself in the mirror every morning, and she always heard Ed's voice. "Your fat." Sydney never understood where this came from, and usually brushed it off. After a while, however, Sydney found herself looking at herself and hearing her own voice...Not Ed's.

She knew she wasn't thinking striaght, but she couldn't leave Ed. Ed had been the only one that seemed to still care about Sydney. Everytime she thought about him, she felt a surge of power and energy run through her...Mentally. Physically, her body was becoming frail and weak, though Sydney hardly noticed.

One day, at work, Sydney saw Vaughn with Lauren...Kissing Lauren...Carresing her face. All of the sudden, Ed was pushed to the back of her mind. Leaving work quickly, Sydney rushed in to her house and felt her body loosen as Tony and Sam entered her mouth, massaging her tounge. She stood at the counter, letting tears run down her eyes. As soon as she felt them inside her, however, Sydney noticed Mia has been watching the whole time.

Ashamed and embarrased, Sydney ran to the tiolet and watching as the bile came pouring out of her mouth. Mia, still standing beside her, was whispering in Sydney's ear. When Ana entered the bathroom, Sydney breathed a sigh of relief until she heard the dissapointment in Ana's voice. After throwing up until she saw blood, Sydney washed her face with a shaky hand, staring at herself in the mirror with her red, swollen eyes.

Mia and Ana were ganging up on her now, scolding her for being such a failure. Overwhlemed, Sydney grabbed her razon and with a quick movement, sliced each wrist open, calming at the sight of her free-flowing blood and the nod of approvement from Mia and Ana.

From then on, Sydney was loyal to Ed and Ed alone...And everything went fine, until one day at work.

She and Vaughn had been sent on a mission. Sydney was sitting in her hotel room, telling Ed about her day. She heard Vaughn knock at the connecting door, and threw on a sweatshirt before letting him in.

They talked for a little while about the mission, Sydney not making eye contact with him once. She she did finally look into his eyes, she realized why she was avoiding them...The piercing green were filled with worry and sadness. Looking away immeaditly, Sydney felt a warm hand on hers.

Statled by his touch and worried Ed might dissaprove, Sydney jumped up. Feeling all the blood rush from her head and her knees buckling beneath her, she held on to the sight of his green eyes until everything went black.

A/N: For those of you who are unclear as to what is going on, hopefully this will help.  
ED stands for eating disorder.  
Ana stands for anorexia.  
Mia stands for bullemia.  
Tony and Sam are the "mascots" of the ceraels, Frosted Flakes and Froot Loops. I couldn't think of any other food names that could be used on guys!

Hope you enjoyed it! I am planning on updating it as of right now.


	2. Chapter 2

Vaughn's POV

He thought he had his insomnia under control, but as soon as Sydney came back, it came back at full force...Not that it made a huge difference anyway...The sleep he had gotten was never peaceful, and he never awoke feeling rested.

Seeing her every day, not being able to hold her, to kiss her, made his heart ache. And the fact that he was totally helpless didn't help at all...Vaughn knew Sydney too well, and knew Sydney would never allow him to leave his wife for her...Not that he could anyway. He had made a promise to Lauren, and he did love her...In a brotherly sort of way...Nothing compared to what he felt for Sydney.

He thought she was alright when she came back...Hurt and confused, but dealing. It wasn't until he starting seeing dark circles under her eyes, trying to hide behind pounds of makeup, that he began to worry.

He kept a close eye on her after that, and was more scared as each day past. Sydney, normally social and bubbly, rarely made eye contact with anyone. He could tell she was loosing weight, and her face was growing paler by the day. Even her normally excellent field work seemed to be effected, so much so Vaughn asked Dixon to pull her out of active duty. Dixon refused, saying she was simply readjusting to being back and knew what she needed to do. Vaughn knew, however, there was something more behind it.

Soon, she stopped going out all together. Weiss often went to check on her, but she would hardly give him time for a hello.

And she had stopped smiling. The dimples were gone, as was the light that once shone in her eyes.

Every time he tried to talk to her, she pulled away, leaving Vaughn to feel guiltier then ever, blaming himself for her depression.

It wasn't until they went on the mission in France that Vaughn realized the extent of what was going on.

They had a shared hotel room. Vaughn stared at the wall for a little while, trying to see through it and watch Sydney. Vaughn found it almost laughably ironic that much like his and Sydney's relationship, a thick wall stood between them, even though there was a door.

Considering this for a moment, Vaughn decided to check on Sydney. He had hardly heard a word from her since they had boarded the plane.

Vaughn pressed his ear against the door, trying foolishly to see if he could hear her. When he came so his senses, he hesitantly knocked on the door, opening it slowly without hearing a response.

For a few seconds, Sydney didn't move, and it looked to Vaughn as if she was counting in her head. As soon as she saw him, she stiffened, unable to look in his eyes. She was wearing a sweatshirt, and Vaughn realized how uncharateristic it was of her, especially considering the beautiful weather. He studied her for a moment...He saw tiny red dots around her eyes, which he assumed were popped blood vessels. Her finger joints were swollen...Something she had passed off a week ago as a result of the cold...and her skin had gone from a gastly white to a...Well..a sickly yellow. Her hair seemed limper and thinner, as did the rest of her body. He had taken account of how easily she had been bruising on the past missions, and tried to find some bare skin to survery, realizing only her face remained exposed.

Unable to keep himself away any longer, Vaughn sat down gently next to Sydney on the bed. Trying to bring up a comfortable topic, Vaughn started going over the mission. As the akward silence filled the room, Vaughn felt the sudden urge to comfort her. He reached his hand on to hers and found they were unnaturally cold. She flinched at his touch, quickly standing from the bed.

Vaughn watched her for a moment, predicating what was about to happen. She looked him in the eyes sending to him what sounded like a cry for help. Seconds later, her knees buckled and she fell to the floor.

Stunned, Vaughn watched her fall in what seemed like slow motion, not even making an effort to move to her until she was crumpled on the floor.

Confused and scared, Vaughn quickly edged off the bed and reached down to her, turning her head to face him.

"Syd?" He moved some of the hair out of her face. "Sydney?"


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I would like to remind all readers this is a fic involving various forms of self-destructive behavior. It will get rather heavy and dark. I also only think it's fair to state that I, myself, have had an eating disorder, so, though it is different for every person, I am do have SOME clue as to what I'm writing about. Thanks to all readers, reviewers, and lurkers alike!

The next thing Sydney saw was darkness. She felt it inside her, surrounding her...But she wasn't being swallowed by it...She was more just there. She felt herself relax...She loved the darkness. The peace and solace...Nothing to think about. She was about to let herself fall deeper in to, but she felt something strange.

Sydney focused and tried to take in her surroundings. She tried to feel her body. She was able to locate each body part, before realizing there was some pressure on her hand. She tried to concentrate harder on what was surrounding her outside of the darkness.

A hand. She realized there was a hand resting gently on hers. She didn't want to leave the darkness, but she remembered Ed not liking her making contact with other people unless it was direly neccessary. Sydney felt herself gently lift out of the black, and gathered all her energy to twitch her hand.

She heard a voice, though it sounded extremely far away.

"Sydney?"

She recognized it immeaditly. Vaughn. She felt all her senses come rushing back, as her eyelids began to flutter open.

"Syd?" Vaughn questioned again, leaning in closer to her bed.

Her eyes were fully open, and she took in her surroundings.

"Sydney," Vaughn breathed, dragging his fingers through her hair and carressing her cheek. Sydney followed his hand with her eyes as he did this, and pulled away from his touch.

Slightly taken aback, Vaughn released her hand and sat further back in his chair.

"What happened?" Sydney asked with no emotion, relieved to feel how much it hurt when she spoke...It reminded her Ed was still there.

"You passed out. I brought you to the hospital..." Vaughn said looking down at his own hands. Before he could finish, though, his eyes moved to a suddenly frightened expression growing on Sydney's face. She lifted her head a little, eyeing the IV in her hand.

She reached for it and tugged it out, making Vaughn jump up.

"What are you doing?" Vaughn asked accusingly.

"Leave me alone," Sydney responded, turning her head away from him.

"Syd, you need that!" Vaughn said, reaching for the call button.

"Don't." Her voice was harsh, and despite her weakness, she was able to grab a hold of Vaughn's wrist, restraining him. She was looking directly in to his eyes now.

"Syd..." Vaughn started helplessly.

"I want to you to leave now." She turned her back to him again.

"I am not leaving you Sydney."

She turned back to him, again making eye contact.

"Fine, then I will." She drew herself up on the bed and threw her legs over the side.

"Sydney, what are you doing!" Vaughn cried pleadingly, moving over to the other side of the bed and taking a hold of her shouders. She looked back up at him again, glaring.

"Get off of me Vaughn." Her words were no more then a mere whisper, but the hate in her voice was evident, scaring Vaughn almost as much as her collapse had.

The looked at eachother for a moment, Sydney's eyes full of resentment, Vaughn's full of fear. Before either of them could make another move, the doctor entered.

"Ms. Bristow..." the doctor began, looking down at his sheets. When he looked up and saw her positioning, he immeaditly moved to her, waving Vaughn away.

"Ms. Bristow, you need to lie down now," the doctor said, trying to help Sydney back into bed with little success.

"No. I'm fine. I'm leaving."

"I'm afriad that's not an option Ms. Bristow," he said, surveying her bed. "Did you take your IV?" He asked, looking down at her.

"I told you, I'm fine," Sydney's forced voice said, full of determination.

"Ms. Bristow. We have a specialist here to talk to you..."

"About what?"

"Well, you can talk to her about that."

"I know my rights. You can't keep me here against my free will."

The doctor nodded, easing back from her. "That's true, but I have not consented to a release, and in your line of work, that is required. I believe you know that as well, no?"

The doctor was talking down to her, treating her like a child. She looked at Vaughn standing glumly in the corner.

She turned around and layed herself back down on the bed. The doctor began reaching for the IV, but she grabbed his wrist. He looked at her startled.

"Don't put that thing anywhere near me." The look in her eyes was so threatening, the doctor pulled back, collecting himself before announcing, "I'll send a nurse in. She will be hear momentarily."

He walked out, leaving Sydney and Vaughn alone once again. She looked up at the ceiling.

"I wasn't kidding Vaughn," she said calmy. "I want you out."

Vaughn blinked, not moving. He looked at her one more time, begging her silently to look at him, but her eyes remained on the lifeless ceiling. He sighed and walked to the door, stopping as his hand reached the doorknob. Without turning around, Vaughn said into the door, "I'm sorry, Syd...I'm sorry..." he trailed off, took another deep breath, and left the room.

Sydney felt herself cringe inside. She swatted at her eyes, trying to rid of any evidence of tears. She was mortified when she let out a noisy sob.

Ana was yelling at her, scolding her for letting Vaughn effect her. 'Crying shows you have no self control. Crying shows weakness. Don't be weak, Sydney. Be strong.' Sydney tried to push Ana out of her mind, only finding Ed and Mia to join in on the chant.

Sobbing outwardly now, she ran her fingers through her hair, clutching at her skull. She was completely overwhelmed.

To make matters worse, another voice entered Sydney's mind...One she hadn't heard in a very long time. Her...The old her...the happy her.

'What are you doing Sydney?' the voice commanded, drowning out the others. 'How could you do this to yourself? You need help!'

She was starting to hyperventalate, Ed coming back at full blast. She was so confused. She had no idea what was right, what was wrong. Then all the voices blended into one, and she could no longer distinguish the scolding from the worried.

She jumped out of bed, steadying herself on the side railing. She had to get out...This was her chance. She needed to leave...She felt Ed returning as the other voices quieted. 'This is what happens Sydney. I allowed to you feel no pain, no confusion. I've cared for you...been there for you. Stay with me.' Sydney felt some strength return to her frail body, straightening herself out before walking out the door.

Somehow, Sydney had managed to get out unnoticed. Realizing her absence almost immeaditly, Dixon called Sydney at home.

After trying to be gentle with her, but realizing she wasn't listening, Dixon demanded that she atleast spoke to a therapist. When she refused, Dixon offered her a month off work.

"Are you suspending me?" She asked incrediously.

"Ofcourse not, Sydney. But if you refuse to get help, you leave me no other choice."

"So you are suspending me! Dixon, I don't know what you've heard, but I do not have a problem! Sure I have problems, but nothing that interferes with my work." She stopped for a moment, speaking again softly. "Dixon, I need to be at work..." She fought back tears, making sure her voice remained composed. "I don't have much else."

Both ends were silent for a moment. "I'm sorry Sydney. Take care of your self...I'm here if you need anything."

Feeling out of control, Sydney ran into the bathroom and grabbed her razor, starting at her wrists. For the first time, she noticed bandages around them 'Shit,' she thought. She swiftly lifted up the hospital gown and started slicing around her breasts...She knew no one would look there.

Breathing hard, Sydney set down the razon and sat back on the closed toilet bowl. She watched as the blood seeped through the gown, feeling totally at ease.

For the next few weeks, Sydney remained in her house. Weiss continously tried to check on her, breaking in when she didn't answer the door. Usually, she would be sitting at the couch, staring absently into the blank television screen. She forced him out simply using her voice, which had so much hate in frustration in it hardly resembled her old one.

After a while, Weiss stopped trying, growing more and more frightened by her still shrinking figure. The last time he had gone, she had been at her counter wearing a bra. He ran out quickly, embarrased for her and sickened by what he saw. Making it back to his house in time, he retched violently into the toilet...The vision of her emaciated stomache lodged in his mind.

Everyone had tried to see her...Even Lauren had come over at one point. But all of them got the same response, leaving with the vision of a woman who hardly resembled Sydney.

By the fourth week, Sydney was loosing conciousness constantly, brushing it off as a sign of tiredness.

One afternoon, while Sydney was staring at herself in the mirror, pinching at non-existent fat, she heard a loud knock on the door. As usual, she ignored it and continued examining herself.

4 hours later, the knocking was still there. Frustrated, Sydney ran to the door, swinging it open violently, prepared to kill whoever was there.

She fell competely still as she saw the figure in the doorway. They stared at eachother for a moment, not breaking eye contact.

"Oh G-d Sydney," the person whispered painfully.

A/N: Think you can guess who the person visiting Syd is? Huh? Can ya? D


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This part is told from Vaughn's POV after Sydney collapses.

When she didn't respond, Vaughn jumped up, running to the phone but not taking his eyes off of her. After being assured the med team would be to them shortly, Vaughn moved back to her.

He had no idea what to do. He sat down next to her, staring into her blank face. He felt numb and helpless. He yearned to take her in his arms, but something kept him from doing it...Whether it was his concious or hers, he settled for putting a hand on her arm.

He pulled back quickly, starled. Even through the thick sweatshirt he was sure he had touched her bone, for he couldn't imagine any arm being that thin. He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and pointed finger, moving it up to his forehead as if sheidling his eyes from the light, and then nervously combed his fingers through his hair.

He simply did not know how to deal with what was happening...It just didn't make sense. After about 15 minutes of watching her lifeless form, heheard the med team at the door, quickly tearing himself away and letting them in.

He watched as the man took her pulse, checked her breathed, opened her unresponsive eyes. Two more men came in carrying the stretcher. They gathered around her, placing their hands gently underneath her.

Through his numbness and fog, Vaughn watched, hearing them faintly as they counted.

"1,2,3" They lifted her in to the stretcher, picking it up quickly and walking out of the room. Vaughn rush to keep up with them, not even stopping to close the door.

He had sat with her on the ride to the hospital, unable to look at her. As hard as he tried, he could not wrap his head around everything. Subcoinciously he knew what was going on...Subcoinciously he had known the whole time, but he had yet to embrace or accept the idea.

As she was rushed to the emergency room, Vaughn was forced to stay behind. He sat in the waiting room for a little while, watching his hands as he moved his thhumbs back and forth. After what felt like a day, Vaughn stood up and walked over to the telephone, moving mechanically.

"Hello?"

He was silent for a moment.

"Hello?" She asked again.

"Lauren, it's me." Vaughn spoke, rubbing his eyes.

"Michael?" She sounded worried. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

Silence.

"Michael?"

"Somethings going on with Sydney."

He felt the tension through the telephone.

"What happened?" Lauren asked cooly, trying her best to hide her emotion. "Is she alright?"

"I'm not sure. I'm going to stay here with her, though. I don't think I'll be back for dinner tomorrow."

Lauren grimaced, not responding.

"I love you."

She looked down at the floor, before looking up and forcing a smile, despite the fact she knew he couldn't see her. "I love you too. Let me know if either of you need anything."

Vaughn nodded. "Thanks."

She smiled, before hanging up the phone. She knew she was a terrible person for feeling this way, but she couldn't stand the idea of her husband aiding his ex-girlfriend back to health.

Vaughn, on the other hand, hadn't even realized the tension on the phone...He wasn't really feeling anything, almost as if all emotions were being blocked out. He walked back to the chair, about to sit down as he saw a doctor approaching him. He straightened up quickly, not moving from his spot.

"Agent Vaughn?" The doctor asked, smiling and sticking his hand out. Normally, Vaughn would have been suprised to find is was an American doctor, but didn't even notice it.

He absently took the doctors hand, sticking his head out as he asked, "Is she okay? Do you know what happened?"

The doctor smiled again, though to Vaughn, it almost seemed like a mockingly sympathetic smile. 'Sydney would hate him,' Vaughn thought, somewhat startled that it had popped into his mind.

"Why don't we take a seat?" The doctor asked, motioning to the line of chairs Vaughn had been sitting in earlier. They sat down, Vaughn not taking his eyes off the doctor.

"I'm Dr. Crow. I examined Sydney." He looked at Vaughn.

"And how is she?" Vaughn pressed on, growing somewhat impatient.

"Well, physically we suspect she will be fine." Vaughn was clearly not satisfied with this answer. "Agent Vaughn, are you close with Agent Bristow."

Somewhat taken aback by the question, Vaughn stumbled through his words. "Well, yes...I mean we've been through a lot together if that's what you mean..." his voice trailed off.

Dr. Crow nodded, firming his lips together. "Have you noticed anything odd lately?"

Vaughn looked blanky at the doctor.

"Unwillingness to meet in social gatherings, loss of interest in normally enjoyable activities, change in personality..." He studied Vaughn.

"Yeah...I guess..." Vaughn eyed the doctor suspisiously.

"Agent Vaughn. To your knowlegde, has Sydney been injured or captured on any of her recent missions?"

Vaughn quickly tried to recount their missions together, coming up with very little. "Um...Yeah...No, I mean no. She wasn't. I mean she has been beaten up pretty badly, but aside from that..."

Vaughn continued glaring at the doctor, growing more and more frustrated as the doctor nodded his head, almost feigning sadness.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Vaughn demanded, not sure he even wanted to hear the answer.

Dr. Crow stopped nodding and turned to Vaughn, looking into the young mans fearful eyes. Drawing in a breath, he began. "Agent Bristow's heart rate is abnormally low, as is her blood pressure. She is severly undernourished and dehydrated. Her muscles seem to be decaying, and her joints are all extremely swollen. At the moment, her body temperature is extremely low. We have also noticed her nails are very brittle, and her skin is beginning to yellow due to a lack of protein. Additionally, Agent Bristow's weight is at a dangerously low number. These are all direct effects of the disorder, anorexia nervosa."

The doctor stopped a moment, watching as Vaughn tried to comprehend this information.

"I suspect you are somewhat familiar with this illness?" The doctor questioned.

Absently, Vaughn nodded his head yes, though Dr. Crow launched into a description anyway. Vaughn hadn't heard a word, though. He was rapped inside his mind, trying to figure out what it was he had just been told. What confused him the most was the feeling of confirmation Vaughn had felt when the doctor said the words. Had he known the whole time and just not allowed himself to face it? Vaughn felt his breath quicken as he came out of his trance, the doctor still talking.

"What do I do?" Vaughn interrupted. The doctor turned his head to look at him.

"What?"

"What can I do to help."

The doctor looked at Vaughn for a second before answering. "There are several steps you can take to help Ms. Bristow, such as talking with her openly and trying to keep her positive, but I'm afraid the burden will mainly fall on her."

Vaughn looked distraught at these words.

"As I was saying before, eating disorders can be caused for various reasons. The first step in Agent Bristow's recovery will be figuring out what the driving force was for her.

'Me,' Vaughn thought, not noticing he said it outloud. The doctor squinted at Vaughn, before continuing.

"Unfortuanetly, because she is over the age of 18, we cannot force her into a recovery program. We can keep her here until we feel she is more physically equipt, but aside from an IV, there's not much we can do."

Vaughn looked down, putting his hands on the side of his face.

They sat for a moment like that, before Vaughn turned to the doctor who he felt was still holding something else out. He took a steadying breath, afraid to ask. "Is there...anything else?"

The doctor looked sypmathetically at Vaughn. "We also found numerous cut marks on her wrists." He stopped breifly, watching Vaughn's face contort with pain. "Most were healing, but a few were remained open..."

Vaughn cut him off, speaking more to himself then the doctor. "Meaning she did it today."

The doctor pursed his lips, before slowly nodding his head. "Yes." Then, "Though there is reason to believe this was not her first time loosing consiousness, it seems the combination of blood-loss and dehydration.

After about 3 minutes, Vaughn stood up abruptly. "I want to see her." Vaughn sounded almost childish, though his eyes screamed of pain and guilt only known to adults.

The doctor nodded and stood up slowly. "Agent Bristow is still unconcious at the moment, but you can stay with her if you would like."

Vaughn nodded persistantly and followed the doctor to Sydney's room.

Vaughn stood facing the door.

"A nurse will be in soon to check on her." Dr. Crow felt a rush of empathy as he saw Vaughn's eyes brim with helplessness. "We're doing everything we can," he added, before turning and walking away.

Vaughn stood at the door for a few minutes. He put his hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly, fearing what he would see on the other side. Opening it slowly and peeking in with his head, Vaughn found his fear was not unpresidented.

He let out a pain-filled sigh as he moved closer to her. For the first time in weeks, Sydney wasn't wearing her baggy sweats, but the thin hospital gown. Vaughn noticed how sunken in her cheeks looked, and hesitantly looked down at her arms, startled not only by the bandages on her wrists, but by their unimaginably small size. Her skin was the same ghastly white it had been before, and he was startled by how much the yellowish tint showed under the harsh flourescent lights.

'How the hell did I not notice,' Vaughn painfully thought to himself. He pulled the chair from the wall so it was directly next to her bed. He sat down next to her, watching her chest slowly rise up, then gently fall.

He spent the next few hours beating himself up, blaming himself for her condition. He kept reaching to touch her, but everytime he got close, he swore he could feel the cold coming from his hands.

Still in his self-deprivating trance, Vaughn was startled when the annoyingly happy ringing of his cell phone poured through the room.

Lauren.

"Hey."

'He sounds awful,' Lauren thought. "Hi, sweetheart. How are you?"

No answer.

"How's Sydney?"

Vaughn looked up from the floor and into Sydney's still unresponsive face. "She's been better."

"Michael, I'm...I'm sorry. Do you want me to come out there?"

"No, it's okay...Thanks."

Both were silent for a minute.

"Lauren, do you know anything about..." He couldn't bring himself to say the words.

"About what?"

He sighed into the phone.

"Michael?"

"About anorexia." He felt a stab to his chest as he said the word.

"Oh, G-d...Michael."

Vaughn gave Lauren credit for realizing the seriousness of what was going on. "Yeah..." he agreed.

They sat on the phone for another minute, both trying to sort out what was happening.

"Do they think she's going to be alright?"

"It's not really clear...Lauren, did you notice?"

"Notice what?"

"I don't know...Anything...That she was loosing wieght, not eating, not going out..."

Lauren sighed. "I haven't exactly spent that much time studying her," she said quietly, feeling a strange surge of guilt. 'It's not you're fault you don't like thinking about your husbands ex!' a voice reminded her. Still, she knew Vaughn was beating himself up over this, and guiltfully, was more concerned about him.

"Are you alright, Michael?" She asked, stressing the 'you.'

"Yeah...I'm okay. I just feel bad, you know..."

"You did nothing wrong."

He knew she wouldn't understand, and there was no point in fighting...He didn't have the strength anyway. "Yeah I guess. It's just, I can't even help her now."

Both were silent again.

"Michael, I have to go."

"Oh, okay."

"I can stay on if you want."

"No, don't worry about it. I should probably go check on Sydney, anyway," he added, looking at the still Sydney. He knew it would make Lauren feel a little better, though he wasn't sure why he cared at the moment.

Sure enough, Lauren selfishly smiled at that comment, glad Vaughn had given them privacy. She kept all emotion out of her voice. "I love you."

Nothing. She felt her heart miss a beat.

"I love you too."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Call me later?"

"Ofcourse."

They both held the phone for another few seconds before hanging up.

Vaughn put his phone away and edged a little closer to Sydney, taking her hand.

He let his mind drift for a while. He was snapped out of it, however, when he felt something under him. Sydney had just moved her hand. He was sure of it. He leaned over and hit the call button as he had promised to do when Sydney woke up.

He put a little more pressure on her hand. After about a minute, Vaughn noticed her eyes moving quickly behind her lids. He smiled despite himself.

"Sydney?"

Her eyes began to open and he moved in closer, wanting him to be the first thing she saw.

"Syd?" He wanted nothing more then to hear her voice. He needed to know she was alright. He knew it was selfish, but he didn't care.

When her eyes were fully opened, she somewhat frantically looked around the room, her eyes finally resting on Vaughn. Looking into her eyes, he felt a gut-clenching surge of love rush through him. He needed to touch her...more of her. He reached out his hand and ran it through her ran, tracing his fingers down her skeletol cheek.

Vaughn was sure she was enjoying his touch, but as he reached her chin, she turned her head away from him, pulling her hand out from under his grasp.

The feeling of love was quickly replaced by the strong sense of guilt. He pulled back, not wanting to cause her any more pain.

He was amazed by how forced and strained her voice sounded when she spoke, though he couldn't tell what she was feeling. "What happened?"

"You passed out. I brought you to the hospital..."

Vaughn trailed off as he saw Sydney's passive look turn to that of fear and frustration. In a move that terrified Vaughn, she found the IV placed into her and jerked it out in one fluent motion.

Standing over her, he couldn't control the break in his voice. "What are you doing?"

She looked away and with a cold voice Vaughn had never heard from her before, she said "Leave me alone."

He had no idea what to do. The nurse hadn't come yet, so he reached for the call button again, at the same time, idiotically stating, "Syd, you need that!"

Vaughn was startled when she put her cold hands over his, and let himself weaken at her touch, which pulled him away from the call button. He looked at her, whose eyes were now intensely locked with his. "Don't."

Still utterly confused and now at a loss for words, he looked deeper into her eyes, trying to figure out what was going on behind them. She spoke again, her voice as cold as last time, but she broke away from his eyes and rolled on to her side. "I want you to leave know."

He actually considered it for a second, but remembered the doctor telling him how much she needed support, whether or not she admitted it. "I'm not leaving you Sydney," he stated firmly.

She turned back to him, and for a second, Vaughn was sure she was going to open up to him.

"Fine, then I will." Vaughn watched shocked as Sydney began to get out of bed. Finally getting his legs to move, he ran over to her and grabbed her by the shoulders, and feeling her shoulder bones popping out in his hands, loosened his grib as to not hurt her.

"Sydney, what are you doing!"

She looked back up at him, holding back anger but letting it ooze into her voice. "Get off of me Vaughn."

Vaughn moved away, not wanting to upset her, though he knew he wasn't exactly doing a good job. He tried to keep her eyes locked on his, and for a moment, he felt them connect again.

Just then, the door opened and Dr. Crow walked cheerfully in. "Ms. Bristow..." he began, looking down at her sheets. As soon as he looked up, his smile faded, and he rushed over to where she was, taking Vaughn's spot while Vaughn backed into a corner.

He started pushing Sydney gently down, but she placed her arms behind her and wriggled from his touch. "Ms. Bristow, you need to lie down now."

Her eyes were still cold. "No. I'm fine. I'm leavng."

"I'm afriad that's not an option Ms. Bristow," he said, surveying her bed. "Did you take your IV?" He asked, looking down at her.

"I told you, I'm fine," Sydney's forced voice said, full of determination.

"Ms. Bristow. We have a specialist here to talk to you..."

"About what?"

"Well, you can talk to her about that."

"I know my rights. You can't keep me here against my free will."

Vaughn followed the conversation, feeling another wave helplessness and uselessness wash over him.

The doctor nodded, easing back from her. "That's true, but I have not consented to a release, and in your line of work, that is required. I believe you know that as well, no?"

Vaughn knew Sydney wouldn't like this doctor. He was treating her like a child. Vaughn was startled when she turned to look at him. He thought she was asking for help, but again, had no idea what do to.

She turned around and layed herself back down on the bed. The doctor began reaching for the IV, but she grabbed his wrist. He looked at her startled.

"Don't put that thing anywhere near me." The look in her eyes was so threatening, the doctor pulled back, collecting himself before announcing, "I'll send a nurse in. She will be hear momentarily."

He walked out, leaving Sydney and Vaughn alone once again. Vaughn took a step forward, hoping she would look at him, but she just stared absently at the ceiling.

"I wasn't kidding Vaughn," she said calmy. "I want you out."

Vaughn blinked, not moving. He looked at her one more time, begging her silently to look at him, but her eyes remained on the lifeless ceiling. He sighed and walked to the door, stopping as his hand reached the doorknob. Without turning around, he said into the door, "I'm sorry, Syd...I'm sorry..." he trailed off, took another deep breath, and left the room.

As he closed the door, he leaned against it for support. He felt unwanted tears burning his eyes, and swatted them away, embarassed and frustrated. He wanted nothing more then to be there for Sydney, to help her, but that was the one thing he couldn't do.

Broken and depressed, Vaughn decided to go back to the hotel and return to LA.

After a day off work, Vaughn walked into the office to find an angered Jack talking to a frustrated Dixon. Everyone was staring as they fought openly in the middle of the office.

"You will not allow her back on the field, Dixon. Do you hear me!"

Dixon fumed, looking at Jack angered. He was about to respond, when his eyes fell on Vaughn. He exhaled, striaghtened his suit, and looked around. Everyone immeaditly began working and talking again. Jack, turning to see what had stopped Dixon, stared at Vaughn.

"Come to my office," Dixon said to Vaughn over he dull roar of the desk workers.

Vaughn nodded and followed Dixon into his office, closing the door behind him.

"I would like you to see Barnett." Dixon said once they were seated.

Vaughn looked confused.

"Why do I need to..."

"We've all been through a lot here, Agent Vaughn. And Sydney means a lot to all of us. Now, I know you you two play this game, but fact is, I know you still care about her. And with everything that's going on with her, I would like you to see Barnett before I send you out on the field again."

Vaughn looked blankly into Dixon's eyes.

"Alright."

"Good," Dixon nodded to himself.

Vaughn stood up and starting heading out of the room.

"And Vaughn..."

Vaughn turned around.

"I know it may not be easy, but she needs all the support she can get right now."

Vaughn smiled, swallowed nervously and left the room.

Later that afternoon, it became evident Jack had gotten his way. Rumors were buzzing everywhere as to why Sydney Bristow, spy-extroadinare, had been suspended for a month.

For the next few weeks, Vaughn tried calling Sydney every day. He went over sometimes, but she never let him in.

Weiss had been picking Sydney's lock and had managed to make it in a couple of times. Hesitantly, Weiss would give Vaughn the update as to how she looked and behaved.

Realizing she wasn't responding to anyone...Dixon, him, Weiss, her father, Marshall...Vaughn managed to talk Lauren into going over to check on her, dissapointed when she came back defeated.

Vaughn was pouring so much time and concern into Sydney, he didn't even notice the strain it was putting on his marriage. Lauren often tried to bring it up or to somehow distract him, but she felt herself growing frustrated and angry as every dinner conversation turned into a discussion about Sydney.

Fed up, Lauren had told Vaughn she needed to take a break. He felt extremely guilty, but hadn't cared enough to try and stop her. Instead, he was able to focuse all his attention on Sydney, taking a few days off of work with Dixon's permission.

More then anything, Sydney needed contact, support, from someone she trusted. After another sleepless night, the idea hit him. He immeaditly reached for the phone and called Dixon, hoping for his cooperation.


	5. Chapter 5

"Oh G-d Sydney," the person whispered painfully.

They stood looking at eachother for another few moments, though time  
seemed to have froze.

Sydney stuck her head out a little, tears brimming her eyes, her  
eyebrows lifting up? In a shaky voice, she whispered, "Will?"

Will looked deeper into her eyes, before nodding his head slowly,  
tears forming in his eyes as well.

Sydney let out a loud, wet sob, before falling into his embrace. Her  
body shook with heavy sobs as Will stroked her back, crying right  
along with her.

"Oh Syd," he said, using his palm to stoke the back of her head which  
was resting on his shoulder.

They stood like this for a few moments, before Will pulled away.  
Sydney straightened up a little, looking at him. He smiled, and she  
managed a weak smile in return.

As if she was pulled out of a trance, Sydney broke eye contact with  
Will, frantically looking around.

"We should go inside," she said in a low voice, leading him in.

They closed the door, looked at each other for another second, and fell  
back into each others embrace. Sydney tried to stifle her sobs,  
causing her voice to break. "How did...How are you here?"

"Dixon took care of it."

Sydney pulled back, looking inquisitively at Will. "Dixon?" Will  
nodded. She sighed a little, the worry still evident in her eyes. "But  
what about Jonah, what about..."

Will cut her off. "There's no Jonah right now...Only Will."

Sydney let out another sob, grabbing him again. "I missed you so  
much," she whispered.

He smiled at her, leading her to the couch. "I missed you  
too...When they told me...you were alive..."

"I know," Sydney said, placing her hand on his, both now seated  
comfortably on the couch.

"So...how are you, how's everything?"

Sydney shot him an exasperated look but shook it off quickly. "I'm actually pretty good. I got a month off from work so..."

"And you're happy about that?"

She looked at him blankly for a moment. "Well, I mean..."

"Come one Syd," he said, reaching out and taking his hand in hers. "It's me. How are you really?"

Sydney looked up from the floor, tears again, forming in her eyes and threw Will a pathetic smile. He kept looking at her, and her lips pursed for a moment, her eyebrows rising slightly. She moved her head to the side a little, shrugging her shoulders slowly.

"Oh Sydney." Will pulled her shoulder so she was resting on his as her tears began pouring out again.

After a minute, Sydney had stopped crying, but she was too caught up in her mind to speak.

Ed and Ana were talking to her. They could feel her weakness, and could tell she was about to break down. 'Are you going to give up Sydney? You remember what it's like without us. Don't be a weakling. Don't choose failure over success. Don't leave. We won't take you back if you leave.'

Sydney was about to pull away from Will when she heard the familiar voice that had been with her at the hospital. 'Sydney, you don't need them. Do you know what real power is? What real success is? Taking control of your life. Stay with Will. Stay with me...Give in to the weakness.'

Confused and alone, Sydney tried to ignore everything going on her mind. Before she knew what she was doing, however, words began pouring from her mouth.

"You don't know what it's been like Will," she sobbed. "I mean I come back, and...and 2 years are just, gone! Gone, and I have no idea where I was or what I was doing. And then Francie!" She cried, feeling Will tense slightly at the mention of her name. "And you," she peered up into his sympathetic eyes. "And Vaughn...Will Vaughn got married. Married! And I work with her." She held her breath for a moment. "Lauren. That's her name. Lauren. It's so normal, so nice...I just don't have anyone." She said softly and tearlessly, more to herself then Will.

He was silent for a moment. "You have your Dad."

She pulled back a little, looking down at her hands as she rested them in her lap.

"Yeah." She breathed.

"But he wasn't enough."

At this, Sydney looked up at Will and nodded, her face covered with guilt.

"I just don't know what to do anymore," she said softly, looking back down at her hands. "Nothing seems right."

They sat like that for a couple minutes – Sydney looking down at her hands, and Will tracing her with his eyes.

"But this Syd?" He moved his hand, motioning to her body.

She looked up, feigning shock, but letting it fade away when she looked into his eyes. She turned away, humiliated. Still looking away, she spoke so quietly, Will had to strain to her what she was saying.

"It just...It seemed right. It was like, finally something that was mine...That no one could take away from me..." She turned back to him, silent tears running down her face. "I was so lost!" She said, letting her sobs return at full force.

Will took Sydney in his arms rocking her gently and rubbing her bony back.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't be here for you." He said gently.

She pulled back. "No...No don't do that. You didn't do anything..." she looked around frantically, looking confused.

"Syd?"

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry," she said standing up. "I shouldn't have...I don't know why I..."

"Hey, hey," Will said, standing up and rubbing her arms. "You have no idea how happy I am you're talking to me."

She looked at him doubtfully.

"I can't imagine what you're going through now...What you went through before. But whether or not you believe it, you are the strongest, most incredible person I have ever met." She let out a weak smile and a laugh, mixed in with a sob. "I do know that you're better than this. You deserve the best, Sydney, and this is not the best."

She looked down.

He let out a saddened breath, moving his hands from her bony shoulders and down her thin, cold arms. "This...this isn't you Syd. This isn't you."

She looked at him, her face embedded with pain.

"Will you...Do you think you would consider...getting help?" He asked trepidatously after a couple of minutes.

"I can't," she whispered, more fearful then Will had ever heard her.

He shook his head no slowly, looking down at the ground, then making eye contact and blinking hard. "Yes. Yes you can." His grip on her upper arms tightened a little.

Her breathing was heavy and she felt the tears stuck in her throat. She shook her head. "I'm not the same person you used to know, Will." She couldn't make eye contact, the humiliation building up inside her.

"Sydney Bristow," he said more firmly then he had all night. "You are the same wonderful, beautiful person. The one who puts everyone else's needs before her. The one that kicks butt and saves the world everyday. You may not see it, but I do, and I will do whatever it takes to convince you of that."

She let some more tears fall down her hollowed cheeks. Nodding her head lightly, she let out a laugh that sounded a lot like a sigh.

She let his words sink in, sitting down abruptly. He sat down next to her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Sydney broke it, turning to him with a light in her eye that had disappeared long ago. "So who really called you?" She smiled a little.

He smiled in return, letting out a sigh of relief. "That's between you and him."

They smiled at each other weakly for a little while, simply reveling in the others presence.


	6. Chapter 6

Sydney had wanted to stay with Will for a while longer, but he was insistent she called Vaughn. When she refused, he proded until she broke down once again.

"Syd, you have to see him."

Her eyes were so cold. "You have no idea what's going on Will."

They were standing in the kitchen at this point. Will was leaning against the refridgerator and Sydney was at the counter, staring out straight in front of her. She was having a difficult time staying focused on what Will was saying with the battle going on her mind.

Ed was yelling at her for giving so much up to Will. She felt like she was being torn apart inside. Part of her was relieved to finally get something of her chest, but the rest of her knew she needed Ed, and she had let him down.

'You're so weak Sydney Bristow. I don't know why I came to you at all. You just wait. Soon you're going to be fat, ugly, weak and alone. Is that what you wanted? Doesn't matter. That's what you're getting now. And you think Vaughn can solve anything? The man who married another woman? The man that looks you in the eyes every day but says nothing? He can't save you Sydney. He won't save you. There's nothing to save. You're no one.'

She felt her hand move to her head, but quickly let it fall in fear of Will's reaction. He didn't seem to notice.

"I know enough Sydney. I know that you still love him." He hesitated slightly, seeing her whole body tense up. "He still loves you."

Her eyes were burning with anger-driver tears.

"I know you're only trying to help Will..." she turned to him, voice and eyes cold and harsh. "So you should stop now."

He looked taken aback for second before moving closer to her, picking up the phone on the way. He stood an arms distance away, letting his hands fall on her upper arms. She stiffened at his touch, not relaxing until she met his eyes with her own.

"Just call him, Syd." His voice whispered, his eyes looking deep into hers pleadingly.

Her head tipped to the side as her lower lip began to tremble, and the tears poured out once again. Ed was still nagging at her, but with the waterfall of tears pouring, all she heard was a quiet murmur. She was grateful for the silence.

Will pulled her into a hug, trying to hide his disgust as he ran his hand in circles on her back, disgusted when he found how much bone was popping through.

He pulled back, and she looked helplessly into his eyes. He broke contact and looked down at the phone waiting in his hands, before raising it and looking back into her eyes.

"Call him," he instructed again, still whispering.

Her face was contorted in pain and fear, but after a moment, she took the phone from him and turned around.

Fingers shaking, she dialed the numbers she had memorized so long ago. It was his cell phone, but she still heard Ed's voice reminding her of what she tried to block out. 'Maybe Lauren will pick it up. Maybe they got back together. Maybe he realized you weren't good enough for him...'

Ed's voice was cut off when Vaughn's stong one broke the endless ringing.

"Vaughn."

Sydney tried to stiffle a sob. "Vaughn?" She waited for a response but there was none. "It's Sydney."


	7. Chapter 7

Vaughn didn't notice his leg was bouncing up and down as he sat on Eric's couch.

He was suprised at how easy everything had turned out to be thus far. He had called Dixon and informed him of his plan, and Dixon had contacted the Witness Protection Program and gotten Will momentarily pulled. Dixon had gone over the details with Vaughn, but he hadn't really been listening.

When he went to see Will, he was amazed to find that Will hadn't changed one bit.

They stared at eachother akwardly for a moment, before Will moved foward and pulled Vaughn into a bear hug. "Hey man." He said slapping his back.

Vaughn was slightly taken aback at first, but after all they had been through after Sydney's death, a bear hug didn't seem like that big a deal. He pulled back and managed to pull out a smile. "How've you been?"

Will smiled and shrugged. "You know..." Vaughn nodded, understanding. Will's voice was enough to let anyone know. He sounded desperate and lost, though the smile remained plastered on his lips. Vaughn knew the feeling only too well.

"So...I mean they told me...what they..." he swallowed hard, not knowing how to phrase what he was trying to say. "What they think...is going on." He looked up at Vaughn, whose smile had been replaced stern, hard face.

Realizing what Will was asking, Vaughn nodded and ran his fingers through his hair. He shrugged, and then looked back up at Will, who looked almost as helpless as he, himself, felt. "Wait 'til you see her." His voice had changed from strong and confident to small and scared.

Will closed his eyes for second and then looked away from Vaughn and back at the man who was waiting by the car.

"Well I guess I should go then."

Vaughn nodded solemly as Will supplied a small smile and turned around, walking towards the car.

The man opened the door for him, and he was about to step in before he heard Vaughn's voice call him back.

"Will!"

He had moved a little closer, so Will moved back from the car and took a few steps forward.

Vaughn looked lost. "Good luck."

Will smiled sadly and started to return to the car again.

"And Will?"

He turned back.

Vaughn opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but couldn't find the words.

Will nodded, and Vaughn knew he had understood.

Will moved into the car but held his hand out, signaling the driver not close it yet. Vaughn had turned and was starting to walk in the other direction.

"You love her?" Will called out.

Vaughn stopped walking, but didn't turn around. He nodded his head after a moment, but it was such a weak nod, he knew Will couldn't see it. He cleared his thread and nodded again. "Yeah."

He stood there for another moment before continuing to walk away. Will stared after him a moment, nodding to himself, before allowing the man to close the door.

Vaughn had returned to Eric's house, not sure whether he should feel successful or nervous. He decided he would watch some TV, but when he snapped it on and heard the channel 11 news casters discussing something going on in Sydney, Australia, he quickly shut it off.

He pulled out his cell phone, flipping it open to see if he had any messages or had missed any calls. He knew he hadn't but it had become a habbit over the past month...Checking to see if maybe...maybe...Sydney had tried to reach him.

He set the cell phone down on the table and stared at it, letting his mind wander into another world.

His mind drifted to the time before any of this started...The only time in his life he remebered being truly happy...The time after SD6 had brought down and before Sydney was...missing. He let his mind breeze through all their shared memories, wondering if she ever did the same.

He was startled out of his trance when his the shrill ring of his cell phone cried out. He stared at it for a minute, letting it ring.

Was Sydney calling him? Had something happened? He let his mind think of a million different scenerios, all in which involved him loosing Sydney.

After about 6 rings, he picked it up, staring it down as if challenging it to continue. When it did, he flipped it open hesititantly, gathering his courage before drawing in a breath.

"Vaughn." He was shocked by the strength portrayed in his voice. Grateful.

He heard a muffled sob from the other end and immediately knew who it was. It killed him that she was crying, and his stomach churned at the thought of her pain. He was dazed that she had actually called him and wasn't sure how he was supposed to react. Was this a good thing? Was it a bad thing? Should he be funny? Serious? Forward? Allusive?

"Vaughn?"

His whole body froze as his name escaped her lips. His mind stopped thinking and he was startled by the silence. He didn't even try to speak, knowing it would be pointless. His breathing became heavier. She was calling him. It wasn't a mistake. She was really calling for him. His heart leaped when she spoke again, simply excited at the sound of her voice. He knew who it was, but her confirmation gave him hope. Hope. He realized how much he loved the word. Hope. That's what she was. She was his hope.

"It's Sydney."


	8. Chapter 8

She waited a minute before asking his name again.

"Vaughn?"

After another second, she heard a throat being cleared.

"Yeah, I'm here."

Sydney was unable to contain the sigh that escaped her lips. She was overwhelmed with relief and fear.

"I was wondering if..."

She faltered, turning back around to Will and looking at him helplessly. He nodded in encouragement and she swallowed, nodding in response, though it was more to herself.

"I was wondering if we could talk."

Again, Vaughn didn't respond.

The thought that Lauren may be with him suddenly shot through Sydney's mind.

"I'm sorry, is this not a good ti..."

Vaughn cut her off quickly, and rather harshly.

"No!...No. Where?"

Sydney swallowed again trying to brace herself for what she was doing. She hadn't thought this completely through considering Ed had never allowed the thought to even cross her mind before.

"The pier," she responded after a moment, voice stronger then it had been in a while.

After agreeing to meet at the pier in 15 minutes, Sydney and Vaughn hung up, leaving Will to deal with Sydney.

She put the phone down and looked up at Will, who smiled warmly at her. She didn't return the smile.

In her mind, the same war was being waged between her and Ed, and Ed was winning. Before she or Will realized what was happening, Sydney was hyperventalating.

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"Syd. Syd, calm down."

Will looked helplessly around the room, not knowing what he was supposed to be looking for or what he was supposed to be doing. After Sydney had hung up with Vaughn, she had started having trouble breathing and sat abruptly down on the floor. Will had moved to her and done everything he could to try and calm her down, but nothing seemed to be working, and her face was starting to go from translucent to purple.

"Syd, you need to calm down. Just look at me." He pulled her chin up to met her eyes, which were watery and confused.

"Syd, just breath. Just breath. In through your nose...Come on...Big breath...Good. Good...Now out through your mouth."

After about 10 minutes of this, she had started to calm down and allowed Will to hold her around the waist and rub her back. She was still crying, and Will was worried it was making her breathing more difficult.

Before he could say something could, her trembling voice broke the silence.

"What do I...What do I...What did I..." She was sobbing harder, and as Will had suspected, making her breathing more difficult.

"Shhhh, Syd...Just breath."

They rocked for a few more minutes before she was able to speak again.

"I didn't..." She struggled to take a deep breath. "He's married. Married!" Her shaky voice had risen and was carried throughout her entire apartment. Will was trying to get her to stop talking, but she continued. "And...he's gone. He left." Her crying had slowed down but her body was still trying to take in oxygen, causing every word to be a stuggle. "And, and you left. And Francie. And Mom. And it's...All my fault." She let herself cry heavily again.

"Syd!" She didn't respond. "Sydney!" Again, Will pulled her face to look at this. "NONE of this is your fault. Do you understand me? None."

She looked at him for a moment and then turned away, obviously ignoring what he had said. After a couple more minutes, her crying had stopped, and she pulled away from Will. She looked at her clock. She wiped her upper lip with the back of her hand.

"I have to go."

With that, she stood up, grabbed the keys, and walked out of the house before Will even had the chance to say goodbye.

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She parked a couple blocks away from the pier and sat in her car for a few minutes, letting herself calm down. She was ready for this. She needed to do it. She knew that...but still...Ed's voice was there. She needed to get rid of him though...She needed to get him out.

She took one deep breath resolutely and stepped out of her car, locking it behind her.

She walked slowly, trying to figure out what she was going to say in her mind over and over. Before she knew it, she was at the pier, looking at a frantic sillohette she knew too well.

He was looking in every direction. She had stopped walking and just looked at him. When he looked in her direction, he quickly moved over to her, obviously distraught.

"Where have you been?" He demanded, grabbing her shoulders.

She shifted under his touch and moved to the side out of arms reach.

"Sorry. It took longer to get here than I expected."

Her head was down and she was looking everywhere but his eyes. She knew once she looked in his eyes, all and any control she had left would be gone.

She saw Vaughn's figure relax slightly and he sighed.

"Sorry...I was just...worried." She looked at his lips as he spoke. She shrugged a little and started toward their spot...The spot they had visited so many times together and apart.

She felt him follow her and they both stood for a couple minutes looking out at the ocean.

She turned to him and noticed her was looking at her. When she looked up, he quickly turned away and faced back to the ocean.

"So...what did you want to...talk about." His voice was hesitant but strong.

She looked away and back out as well. She didn't respond. She didn't know how to respond. She didn't want to respond.

Ed's voice was as strong as ever, and she tried to dull it by focusing on the sound of the waves crashing, but that didn't seem to work. She knew the only way to make him stop was to talk herself.

She looked down at her hands, weaving her fingers in and out of each other. Her voice was soft and hesitant.

"Are you and Lauren still..." she trailed off, but he realized what she was asking and cut in quickly.

"Uh, yeah. We're still separated."

Sydney looked deeply engaged in the ocean, and just nodded slowly in acknowledgement.

For about 10 minutes they, both staring at the horizon. It wasn't until Vaugh noticed Sydney shivering that the conversation truly began.

"You're shivering?" He asked, though it was more of a comment than a question.

She breifly looked down at herself and then back up at his lips.

"No. I'm fine."

"No, Syd, you're shivering." His voice was growing louder and the panic was evident in his voice. It was beautiful outside...a nice warm evening...Sydney knew she wasn't supposed to be cold.

He began taking off his jacket and reached to put it over her shoulders, but she moved from his reach.

"Vaughn, I said I was fine." Her eyes were cold again.

He stood looking at her before taking a step forward. Ed yelled at Sydney to move away, but she felt like her feet were glued to the floor.

He stood in his spot for a moment, then slowly raised his hand and cupped her cheek.

Her passive expression quickly changed to a pained one as her eyebrows hunched and tears began forming in her eyes. She nuzzled in his hand for a moment before moving her head in the opposite direction, out of his touch.

Her head faced the other direction, her arms now wrapped securely around her.

"Vaughn." Her voice broke as the name formed on her lips. "Don't" She turned further, trying to keep him from seeing the tears pouring freely down her face.

Without looking, she could tell he was in pain.

"Syd."

She was shocked to hear his voice tightened with sobs he was trying to hold back. On impulse, she turned around and looked into his wet, green eyes, which she immediately regretted.

As she suspected, the green melted all her strength and she could no longer hold back anything.

She felt her body shudder as she fell on the ground in uncontrollable sobs that seemed foreign to her. For some reason, though, foreign felt good...Like a distant, familiar memory from before any of the s in her life happened.

She didn't even realize how long it had been, but she finally became aware of Vaughn's presence. He was holding her like he used to, rocking her, kissing the back of her neck as he stroked her hair, and crying. She had never seen Vaughn cry before, but sure enough, he was crying.

She wasn't sure, at first, how to react to his touch, but realizing she didn't have the strength or will power to pull away, allowed herself to embrace him.

It must've been 45 minutes before she became aware that he had been mumbling her name into her head.

"Syd...Syd...Oh Syd..."

Her body still racked with sobs, she was able to gather enough oxygen in her lungs to speak.

"I'm sorry..." Her words were clouded by her cries and heavy pants, but Vaughn could hear what she was saying loud and clear. "I just...I didn't know...what else to do." On 'do,' she allowed herself to break back down into sobs, only clinging on enough to hear his voice.

"I know...I know...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry."

She tried to choke back her tears. "You didn't...You didn't..."

He sat up straighter but kept her securely in his arms.

"I did. I should've been there for you Syd. But I wasn't."

She pulled away, climbing out of his lap with a terrified look in her eyes.

"Don't. Don't do that."

"Syd..."

"No. I did this. Me. It's my fault...It's mine...It's mine..."

And she succumbed once more to her controlling emotions and lay back down on the hard gravel to cry. She felt him embrace her again. She her his voice and felt his breath on her skin. But she was gone. She let herself cry until the black surrounded her again.


End file.
